My name is Johnny Carsweeper.  Contrary to what my last name may or may not indicate, I do not sweep cars.  Today as I crossed Bee’s Knees Avenue, I passed a man handing out religious pamphlets.  He gave me one and I took it without objection.  I did not read it until I got to my office.  It said the usual stuff like “we are all lost” and “you are doomed without the compassion of Christ.”  You know, a dollar bill is also like a religious pamphlet, because all of them say “in God we trust.”  If we trust God with our money, then why doesn’t he have a bank for us to invest our money in?  Some of the more interesting points that the pamphlet made were the ones in which they said stuff like “we don’t hate Jews but here’s why they are going to hell.”  Not in those words, of course, but they were trying to condemn their “enemies” in a nice and P.C. sort of way.  P.C. indeed.
        Oh, you might be wondering how my date with Stella went.  As you may have guessed, we saw “The Great Hornsby,” a tale of the life of Bruce Hornsby.  I thought it was rather dull, but Stella cried at a few parts.  I, of course, as a compassionate human being, and also as a man, provided Stella with a shoulder to cry on.  I thought that was nice of me.  It went just fine.  We’re going to go out again sometime.  I think she wants to see my apartment too.  Sort of like old times.
        Mel Appeloog called the entire development team to a meeting today.  It wasn’t important, he just wanted to see how we were doing and if we all knew everything we were supposed to.  I will give a list of everyone on the development team: me, Phil Pennington, Mark Andras, Anthony Varcic, Sarah McGreen, John Quack, Ted Beeling, Martha Morioka, Jack Swiftly, James Lyric, Thom Black, Frank McCretline, and Beth Gross.
        I sat next to my friend Anthony Varcic.  On my other side was Martha Morioka.  She got to be quite annoying.  Every time Mel asked me a question, she would whisper the right answer to me.  The thing that pissed me off about it was that I already knew the answers.  So when I answered correctly and received Mel’s approval, Martha thought that she had helped me out, even though I would have answered just the same without her annoying whispering.
        The thing that got me, though, was that after the meeting Martha came up to me and said, “we make a great team, don’t we?”
        I absolutely hated that and didn’t know what to say.  I wanted to say “shove it,” but I didn’t because that would be completely uncalled for.  What came out was: “um, yeah, I guess.”
        “You guess?  Come on, we need each other.  You and me!  Buddies!”
        This woman had some kind of weird complex that caused her to think she could be nice and silly to anyone and everything will be nice.  You can be nice to me all you want and I won’t give three shits.
        “Hey, mind if I eat lunch with you?  My lunch buddy’s sick today.”  It was about lunch time, so I figured what the hell.
        “Lunch buddy?”
        “Yeah.  Sam Nelson.  She’s really funny, you know.  She’s got strep throat, though.”  You know, the bacteria staphylococcus can be found on paper money.
        “That’s too bad.”
        “Yeah.  So can I eat with ya?”
        “Sure, that’s fine.  Just don’t expect any sparkling conversation from me.”
They were serving clam chowder and sweet and sour shrimp.  I hate seafood, so I had a big salad instead.  I also hate the idea of salads, their entire purpose is decorative, but I can at least eat a salad and not want to throw up.  Martha thought I was on some sort of diet, so I told her I was.  So sometimes I lie about the food I eat.  Big deal.
        When we sat down I was perfectly content with eating our food in silence, but Martha insisted on having a conversation.
        “You don’t talk much, do ya?”
        “No, I don’t.”
        “You’re shy, aren’t you?”  Martha had a big old grin on her face.  She was being bubbly, and I don’t have a strong affinity for bubbly people, at least to my knowledge.
        “I’m not shy, I just don’t talk a lot.  How come you talk so much?”
        “Whoa, no need to get defensive!  I’m just bein’ your buddy.  You don’t think I wanna hurt your feelings, do ya?”
        Good point.  “No, I’m sorry.  You don’t seem like a bad person to me.”
        “Are you in a bad mood today?  What’s wrong?”  She put on her sympathetic face.
        Not much was wrong, actually.  I’d just acquired an apartment and a few dates with Stella.  From the looks of it, Martha would be my buddy too.
        No, wait a minute.  I remembered what was wrong: my life.  Nothing has turned out nicely, and that was why I am so bitter.  I got good grades in high school, attended a respectable college and got a degree in business entrepreneurship, but here I was in the Megalom Corp. building, wasting away my life so that I could still have something to show for it.
        “You gonna answer me or what?”
        “Sorry,” I said.  “I guess I’m always sort of down.  It’s not you.”
        “Oh, come on.  Cheer up, Johnny!  Life isn’t so bad.  You’ve got a home, a car, a job, running water.  What more could a man ask for?”
        Completion?  Oh well.  We were done eating and went on our own ways, but Martha insisted we exchange phone numbers so we could “hang out” sometime.  Happy people like Martha make me feel guilty about being bitter.
        Stella was not at her desk when I returned from lunch.  I figured she had gone to lunch, but when I entered my office she was sitting in my chair.
        “It is sort of like a giant ant farm,” she said.  I didn’t recall telling her about the ant farm business.
        “Mark Andras came by and wanted to see your ant farms, which I thought was really strange.  I figured out that you’d made some sort of metaphor and that it flew over his head.  I brought him in here and explained it to him.  He said it was interesting.”
        “Really,” I grinned.  I briefly wondered what Mark was developing.
        “No, I made it up.”
        “OK, get out of my chair.”
        She got out just as I commanded.  I like having that kind of power.
        “What are we doing tonight?”
        “I dunno.  How about going to Gus’ Drinky again?”
        “I didn’t like that place.”
        “OK, where would you like to go?”
        “Oh, I don’t know.”
        “Then I guess we should go to Gus’ Drinky?”
        “Sure, what the hell.”
        I sat down in my chair and stared at my desk.  Stella was still looking out the window.
        “Hey,” I said, “don’t you have secretarial work to be doing?”
        She didn’t say anything.  She just flipped me off and left.  This was kind of fun, but it’s always hard to tell when Stella’s pissed off.
        After work Stella and I both agreed we would go back to our respective homes and meet at Gus’ Drinky.
        However, I received a telephone call from her.  It went a little something like this:
        “Hello?” (me)
        “Johnny, it’s Stella.  Listen, I’m really sorry to do this, but I’m gonna have to call off for this evening.”
        “Why?  I haven’t been lying to you about anything.”
        “No, it’s not that.  You see, Niqi’s having a hard time right now and needs some cheering up.  It’s really important.”
        “More important than falling in love?”
        “What?  Who said we’re in love?”
        “Nevermind.  That was stupid.  But what’s wrong with Niqi?”
        “Her boyfriend broke up with her just a half an hour ago, she’s crying her eyes out.  Can I go now?”
        “Yeah, have fun.”
        Stella didn’t say “goodbye” or “I love you” or anything, she just hung up.  Maybe we weren’t in love.
        And that’s how our telephone conversation went.
        So what was I to do?  I couldn’t think of much so I sat on my new sofa (it was grey) and tried to think of something to do.  Then it hit me: Phil Pennington is a big jerk.  That wasn’t really something to do, but I had just remembered that Phil Pennington and Niqi had been dating for a while now.  He’d just broken up with her.  I sort of knew how she felt, even though Phil Pennington and I never had a relationship.  I hated him and decided to adopt a new reason to.  Poor old Niqi Blaspharx had just lost an opportunity to lose that wacky last name of hers.
        I still had nothing to do, so I called up Martha Morioka.  Yeah, that annoying bubbly lady who insisted that we’re buddies after a lunch together.  There was something about her cheery nature that seemed to occupy my brain at that time.
        It was nice to have my own telephone.  No more payphones.  I had a bright yellow phone with smiley faces all over it.  I bought it with the intention of annoying myself whenever depressed or angry.  It would always smile at me and seem to say, “Pick me up!  Pick me up!  I connect you to the world!”
Anyway, I called Martha Morioka.  Fortunately (or however else you may want to phrase that), she was home.
        “Hello?”
        “Um, hi.  This is Johnny Carsweeper.”
        “Who?”
        “We ate lunch together today.”
        “Oh!  The mopey guy!  What’s up?”
        I was glad she remembered me, I think.
        “I’m stuck for plans tonight.  How about you?”
        “Well, I’m watching TV, but I’m sure I could be doing something more exciting.”
        I feigned interest: “what are you watching?”
        “It’s that new show on AEN.  Oh, you know, but I don’t.  I caught it after the opening credits.”  AEN stands for American Entertainment Network.
        “Sorry, I don’t watch much TV.  Would you like to go out for a drink or something?”
        “Ooh, Johnny, you don’t waste time!”
        “What’s that supposed to mean?  I thought we were just buddies.”
        “I know.  I’m just messin’ with ya.  How about Gus’ Drinky?”
        That seemed to be a popular place among Megalom Corp. employees.
        “That’s just what I was going to suggest.”
        “Cool, I’ll meet ya there in a little while then.”
        “Can I pick you up or something?”
        “Oh, it’s just down the block from where I live.  I’ll be there, I promise.”
        “OK, I’ll see you there.”
        I hadn’t been in my car very much for the past month or so, ever since I got my apartment in Crestfallen Village.  I’d betrayed my Mustang.  I guess that’s what happens when you move from the car to the honeycomb.
        Gus’ Drinky actually isn’t very far from the Megalom Corp. building, but I always drove there because if I walked, Stella or Niqi or whoever would think that I live nearby and insist on walking me home.  Driving places makes your journey seem longer.
        When I got there, Martha was at the bar.  She wasn’t talking to anyone.  I walked over and sat next to her.
        “Hey,” I said.
        “Hi!  That didn’t take you very long.”
        “Yeah, it turns out I’m within walking distance too.  I drove anyway, though.”
        Martha had a big old grin on her face.  “You sound like you just figured that out.”
        “Well, yeah, I sorta did.”
        “Johnny, am I going to have to help you with your math?”
        I gave her an insulted look.  “No, um.  I just moved in, that’s all.”
        “Oh, good, I thought you looked like a sharp guy.  Have a seat.”
        I did as I was told.  After all this time, I’d come to enjoy being at Gus’ Drinky.  I wasn’t even bothered by all the cigarette smoke anymore.  I asked the bartender for a Corona, because that’s what I always got.
        “Why ya drinkin’ the cheap stuff?  Development pays nicely, you know.”
        “Yeah, I know.  It’s just what I’m used to.  I wasn’t so well off before being on the Development Team.  Did you know that I used to live in my car?”
        “Oh my God, I’m sorry.  If I’d known you then, I’d have found somewhere you could stay or something.  God, that’s awful.”
        I smiled politely.  “That’s OK, I could have found someone to take me in, but I didn’t want to be a leech.”
        “Johnny, you’re not a leech.  You’re a human being, just like everyone else.”
        “Well, it’s all over with now.  No need to dwell on it, the way I see things.  I’ve got a pretty nice apartment in Crestfallen Village.”
        “I live just down the street from there.”
        I smiled rudely.  “That’s nice.”
        We drank in awkward silence for a couple minutes after that nice little remark.
        Then, instead of one of us talking, Phil Pennington and Grant Bewilder entered Gus’ Drinky.  Martha didn’t notice, but I did.  Phil looked especially cheery after having broken up with Niqi.  What a jerk.
        “Don’t look,” I said, “but the biggest dick on Earth just walked in.”
        “Excuse me?”
        “Pardon my phrasing.  The biggest dickhead on Earth.”
        “Who?”
        “Phil Pennington.”
        She laughed.  “He does seem like sort of a prick.”
        “He is.  He sucks.  He almost got a job I needed and has sort of followed me around annoying me occasionally.”
        “You mean he stalks you?”
        “No, but he’s always there to make me feel bad.”
        “I see.  He seems like a real insincere kinda guy.  You wanna start a fight with him?”
        I looked at Martha funny.
        “Sorry, I shouldn’t condone violence,” she said, looking down into her glass.
        “Heh, no.  I think I will.  What the hell.”  I watched Phil Pennington chatting with Grant Bewilder by the doorway.  “I tell you what.  I’m going to start bugging him and you pretend like what he’s doing is OK and that he hasn’t done any harm.  Got it?”
        “You’re seriously going to fight him?”
        “Yeah, I’ve wanted to do this for a while.”
        Martha grabbed my arm.  Firmly.  I couldn’t move from my spot.  “Johnny, don’t do it.  It’s a really stupid thing to do.  I’m sorry I suggested it.”
        I gave it a moment’s thought, then I sat back down.  “Thanks,” I said, “good call.”
        “Like I said, we’re a great team.”
        I chuckled to myself.  “I hope you know that I do deeply hate that man.”
        Martha drank her beer, “you are such a weirdo.”
        “Sorry.  You know you don’t have to hang around with me.  I could always go home and…I dunno…arrange furniture.”
        “Is that what you’d rather be doing?”
        “No, how about a movie?”
        “How about The Great Hornsby?”
        “Please no, it’s awful.”
        “How about that one with the rock star guy in it?”
        “’Glass and the Ghost Children?’”
         “Yeah, that one looks cool.”
        “Great, let’s go now.  I’m getting tired of being in the same place as Phil Pennington.”
        “Oh, get over it.”
        Then we got up and left.  The movie was pretty good.  It’s about this rock star who goes crazy.
 
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