My name is Johnny Carsweeper.  Contrary to what my last name may or may not indicate, I don’t sweep cars.  Today on my way to work I passed an armored car, presumably full of cash.  Ah, yes.  Cash.  The most valuable pieces of paper on Earth.  Supposedly more valuable than diamonds and more powerful than bulldozers.  The truth is, paper money loses its worth over time, but metal coins gain value.  Pennies are worthless.
         Today, when I walked into what I thought was still my cubicle, I realized I must have missed something.  I expected my seat to be empty, but it was not.  In my chair was a woman I recognized as Gill Bates.  It seemed that she had talked to Squeechy Zellus about her sexual harassment suit and he had put her in her place.  Good for him.
         “Excuse me,” I said.  I still had not realized what I now know.  “This is my cubicle.”
         “No,” said Gill, turning around, “this is my cubicle.”  Then she recognized me and turned away, embarrassed.  “Here,” she said, handing me a piece of paper.
         This is what it said:
                             Hey Johnny!
                        Guess what?  You’ve been promoted!  You’re now Assistant Director of
                        the Development Team.  You have an office and a secretary now.  You’ve even got an intern!  Your brand new office is #5.7, level 1.  Your
                        secretary will be outside of your office.  I think her name is Sandra or something.  Your intern’s name is Grant Bewilder.  He’ll be waiting outside
                        your office when you get there.  I won’t give you any assignments today, so you can settle in and get used to thing.  By the way, your salary has been
                        upped to $40,000/year.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                                               Mel Appeloog
         What a guy.  I remembered going to that fellow employee tolerance and appreciation meeting and seeing Mel there.  Phil was there.  Gill was as well.  I distinctly remembered Gill talking about how violated she felt about Squeechy Zellus telling her to dress casually.  I yelled at her.  I told she was a conceited little whore.  She was such a pretty penny.  Straight teeth, slim figure, unique personality, completely useless.
         Anyway, Mel’s a great guy.  I knew that I would have a new computer in my office waiting for me.  I knew that it would not have Quake installed, and that Mel would have to let me borrow his copy.  I began to think that maybe I would have the spare cash to buy my own copy.
         I slowly and casually made my way to my new office.  I think I even whistled on the way.  I know, though, that all thought stopped when I saw my secretary.  It was my ex-girlfriend Stella.  We both stared at each other and then went on with our ways pretending like it was no big deal.  It wasn’t really, I didn’t care a whole lot.
         “Hi, Stella,” I said as I walked into the office marked “Johnny Carsweeper.  Assistant Director of Development.”
         “Morning,” she said.
         That was how most of our conversations went for a while.
         Waiting in my office was none other than Grant Bewilder.  He was in my chair.  MY chair.  MY chair that I had not yet sat in.
         “Hey,” I snapped, “get out of my chair.  It’s for my ass only.”
         He spun around and gave me a startled look.  God, he was young.  What do young kids want with cubicles?
         “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
         “Well, I do.  I’ll get you your own nice chair if you want, but this one is mine.”
         I walked over to my chair and sat in it.  It was warm, god damn it.
         I looked around the office for a couple minutes, ignoring Grant Bewilder.
         It was nice.  My desk had drawers and a stapler and a computer and even a nameplate.  The walls were bare, but I planned to fix that.  Over on the right side was a large aquarium with weird-looking fish swimming around in it.  I’m sure they really appreciated being separated from the entire ocean so that my office could look nice.
         Behind me was not a wall, but a giant window, looking out over the busy city of Shire.  I could now sit for hours and look out my window.  It was like having a giant ant farm.
         Having surveyed my office, I turned my attention to my intern.
         “Grant Bewilder, right?” I asked.
         “Yeah,” he said hesitantly.
         “Johnny Carsweeper.”  I stuck out my hand without getting out of my chair.
         Grant grabbed it and shook it.  Wet noodle grip.
         “Looks like we’re both new to this one.  I hope you don’t think I’m an asshole or anything because of the chair, but this is my first office.  I’m going to be that way until I stop caring.  You want to sit in one of those normal chairs or do you want a real one like mine?  I’m sure it could be arranged…”
         “Um, no, that’s fine.”  He looked confused and offended.  He quietly sat down in one of the normal chairs.  I considered replacing them with plastic day-glo chairs for a brief moment.
         “What do you mean we’re both new at this one?” asked Grant.
         “This,” I said, putting my hands behind my head and leaning back against the window, “is my first day at this position.”
         “Great,” said Grant, arising an ambiguity between sarcasm and disgust.
         Captain Awesome, I though, this guy’s the king of the fuckin’ universe.
         “Tell you what,” I said, “I’ve got an errand for you.  Can you go down to an office and fetch a single CD for me?”
         “Um, yeah.”
         “Good.”  I gave him some vague directions to Mel’s office and told him which CD to ask for.  I didn’t tell him Quake, though, I said to ask for my usual.  Mel would know.
         Without enthusiasm, Grant got up and walked out of my office.  I was now alone.  I turned around and looked at my giant ant farm and thought that I should have some binoculars.  Maybe with my new salary I could afford a pair, even a nice one.
         There was an apartment complex across the street from the Megalom Corp. Building.  Its name was Crestfallen Village Apartment Complex.  Though I could not read their sign from my window, I would later find out that their cute little phrase was “decent apartments for decent people.”  They sure looked decent to me.  Much nicer than a car or an office.
         I watched the people below for a while.  From up there they were just colored specks.  Multi-colored ants, as previously stated.  Then I noticed the time.  Grant sure as hell was taking his little time.  I decided that if a snotty college kid couldn’t find a Quake game himself, I would.
         I got up out of my seat and approached the doors, then stopped.  I heard laughing.  Stella was laughing.  Someone was talking to her.  I walked over to my phone to page her.
         “Stella.”
         No response.
         “Stella.”
         “Yeah, what?”
         I didn’t appreciate that manner of speech from a secretary.
         “I need you to come in here and take some notes for me.  It’s really important.”
         There was a brief pause, then she answered.
         “OK, I’ll be in there in just a sec.  I need to organize a few things.  Sor-“
         I knew she was talking to that damn Grant.  I’d only known the kid for maybe thirty minutes and I hated him already.  He was going to be doing a lot of odd jobs for me.  Maybe I would increase my collection of pirated computer games.
         My door opened and Stella walked in with a notebook and a pen.  She looked stunning in office attire.  For a moment I regretted being such a jerk to her several months beforehand.  Oh well.
         “What’s up?”
         I tapped my stapler a couple times, impatiently.
         “You know, most people in my position wouldn’t appreciate their secretaries saying ‘yeah’ and ‘what’s up.’”
         “Oh, come on-“
         “But I won’t let it bother me.  It’s not like we shouldn’t get along.”
         Stella said nothing.  She stood for a moment and then sat in the chair in front of my desk.  I’ve noticed great differences between the main chair in an office and the ones reserved for people with “appointments.”  This difference lays down the laws of who’s in charge of the office.  That was me.
         “Have you really got something to say, Johnny?”
         “Yeah, hold on a second while I gather my thoughts.”  I gathered them and thought that sex wouldn’t be appropriate to dictate to a secretary, even if you’re Mel Appeloog.
         I turned around in my chair to face the window.  I thought about how superior that somehow made me, with my back turned to her.
         “Captain’s log, stardate-“
         “Johnny, be serious.”
         “What?”
         “You just called me in here because you want to start over on our relationship.”
         “When did I say that?”
         “You didn’t, but I know.”
         “Why?  What gave you that idea?  I’m the one who called the whole thing off, not you.  Remember me?  Big stupid liar?”
         “Johnny, I don’t need this.  Look, I’ve got important things to-“
         “Oh, bullshit.  You know this job doesn’t mean a damn thing.  I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing.  You know what?  That’s what it was like in the cubicle.  And you’re my secretary!  What could you possibly have to do that’s more pressing than sitting in a chair in my air-conditioned office?”
         “OK, then I don’t want to be in here talking to you.”
         “That’s better.”
         Stella got up and went back to her desk, outside of my office.  That didn’t go too well.  That was OK with me, though, because I didn’t have anything to dictate anyway.  I just wanted Grant to get Quake for me.
         And at last he arrived.
         “You sent me halfway across the building to get you a game?”
         “Yeah.  Is there a problem?”
         “Um, yeah.  Isn’t there work we should be doing?”
         “Sit down, kid,” I said.  I was leaning back in my chair and adjusted myself so that I was facing him.  “This job doesn’t mean anything.  It doesn’t involve doing anything.  I just sit here in my office and look important and get paid.  That’s how it works and that’s how it’s always going to be.  If you have a problem with that, then I suggest you try studying something else.  That’s how office jobs work.  Same thing, every day, then you get an office and more responsibilities.  You marry a co-worker, have kids, and bury a bullet in your brain at the age of forty-five.”  I was thirty-one.  “Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?”
         Grant look morally offended, as if I’d advocated the crucifixion of children or something.  “No.  What’s your problem?”
         “I live in my car.”
         Grant gave no verbal response.  He just stared at me in disgust.
         “What did you want to be when you were a kid?”
         “I dunno, an astronaut?”
         “Are you telling me or are you asking me?”
         “I wanted to be God.  Everyone told me I was a greedy little child, but I still wanted that.  Supreme power over anything and everything.  No one to stop me.”
         “You’re fuckin’ crazy.”
         I turned my chair again, so that I was looking him straight in the eye.  I leaned forward.
         “Please get out of my office.”
         I don’t believe I saw him again after that.  Good goddamn riddance too.
 
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